****DISCLAIMER***

Monty's Law is definitely an "R" Rated story.  Lots of
swearing, sarcasm and sexual innuendoes, including every sterotypical 
character type in the "Dungeons and Dragons" atmosphere. 

If you disapprove of any of these things please leave this sotry right 
now and return the Realm Quest

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monty's Law states- "If there is rumor of even the slightest bit of treasure
hidden in a deep, dark, dangerous dungeon a group of adventurer's will band
together and wade through the most destructive of traps and monsters to
retrieve it, usually bending every rule in the process."

These are four such adventurers!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Episode 1: The Dungeon of Doom - Part One

     Our four intrepid adventurers stood huffing and puffing in a small room.
Taking a moment to rest after being chased for the last ten minutes Quickamus
took the opportunity to berate his friends.
    "What the Hell were you thinking you big dumb ass?!?  I said steal the
jeweled eye and start the temple on fire, not poke the Jew in the eye and
start him on fire!" Quickamus said as he jumped up and down to punctuate his
anger.  The others could not help but laugh at the ridiculous sight.
     "That high priest was pissed.  Did you see the way his robes went up in
flames?" Szor said still laughing at the halfling.  Quickamus gave him a
stern look before turning back to the hulking barbarian.
     "At least I got his golden scepter," the barbarian said holding up a
huge fist.  It was wrapped around a long golden rod with a headpiece that
looked like a giant skull.
    "You should not tempt the gods like that," Shyverlyn said when she saw
the scepter.
    "Gods, shmods, who cares.  At least we got some gold out of Brutus'
blunder. Maybe its magical.  Hand me that thing Brutus,"  The halfling
snapped.
    "Magical?" Szor quipped suddenly interested in the whole exchange.
    Brutus dropped the scepter into the waiting hands of the halfling.  It’s
sudden weight caused Quickamus to drop it to the floor with a loud clang.
     "Damn that is heavy," he said as he picked it up.
     "Wimp," Brutus muttered as he stifled a laugh.
     "Careful you pint-sized moron, you are going to break it," Szor snapped.
     Shyverlyn just sat back and watched being the only person that was
uninterested in stolen religious artifact.  "You guys are going to be in
trouble if you fool around with that thing," she warned the others.
     "Shut up woman!"  The others yelled in unison.  But before they could
examine the scepter a ruckus grew loudly in the tunnel the adventurers had
come from.  It sounded like the clattering of a hundred bones.
     "Shit.  Here they come!" Quickamus yelled.
     "I could blast them," Szor offered.
     "Don't waste the spell on some puny skeletons.  Lets move along until we
find a good spot to dispatch them," Quickamus explained.
     "Why don't Shyverlyn dispel them?" Brutus blurted out.
     "I told you, ya big doofus, I am not going to help you guys out of this
one.  I didn't want to rob the temple.  It's blasphemy.  Figure your own way
out of this one,"  she said with both arms crossed.
     Just then a horde of skeletal warrior burst through the doorway and
rushed towards the adventurers.  The four bolted and ran down an opposite
tunnel into the darkness of the Dungeon Of Doom, a horde of undead on their
tails.
     The adventures ran down the new hall, around the corner and into a large
dusty room.  Qucikamus suddenly stopped and was almost trampled by the
others.  Szor had to jump out of the way to avoid being run over by the
enormous Brutus.
     "What the Hell did you stop for you stupid halfling.  The big dummy here
almost flattened me," Szor yelled pointing back at the barbarian.
     "Hey, I'm not that big!" Brutus defended himself.
     "Quite your whining.  I was just thinking, why are we running from a
bunch of skeletons. We are the Fearsome Four, the Marauders Deluxe, The Bane
of all that Lives.  We should be kicking their asses!"  the halfling rallied
them on.
     "Technically undead and not alive," Szor muttered.  Quickamus elbowed
him.
     "I thought you were the one who wanted to find some room to 'dispatch
them'.  You didn't want to 'waste a spell' and all that," Shyverlyn said
mocking the thief.
     "Shut it girlie.  This is how the administrative world works.  Full
offensive stance NOW!" Quickamus yelled as he drew his enchanted short sword.
Szor began to chant a mumble jumble of arcane words.  Brutus hauled out his
massive sword which was immediately coated in a blaze of flames.
     "Time to burn, pussies!" the sword hissed.
     Shyverlyn looked annoyed by the sword’s comment but said nothing.  She
whipped out her giant mace and held it confidently in front of her.  Its huge
spiked head glow brightly signifying the presence of undead.
     "Come and get it bastards," she muttered to herself.
     As the first skeleton rushed through the doorway toward the adventurers
Szor let loose his spell.  A gigantic fireball formed in front of them and
rushed towards the advancing undead.  It flew over the first skeleton and
down the tunnel.  There was a few seconds of silence before the fireball
detonated with a thunderous roar.  Szor was still chuckling to himself when
the backlash of flames came soaring back at the adventurers.
    "Eep," escaped Szor's lips as the four of them dove for cover.  Tongues
of flames licked the adventurers as searing heat threatened to consume them.
Over the roar of the flames everyone could hear Brutus' sword chant, "Burn
baby burn!"  When the flames died down the adventurers crawled out of their
hiding places to see what carnage Szor’s spell had caused.  The doorway
leading out of the room was considerably large.  The stone had actually
melted away and fused back together in odd puddled shapes.  A short ways of
the tunnel beyond the doorway was blackened beyond recognition as was the
first ten feet of the room they were in.  Not one skeleton was left standing.
     Szor was admiring his handy work when Quickamus' temper exploded.
     "What the fuck were you thinking?  Are you brain dead or something?
How many times have I told you not to fireball the enemy in an enclosed
space?"  Quickamus roared.  He punctuated this by punching the elf in the
arm.  The thief's hand exploded with sharp daggers of pain as it encountered
the elf's stoneskin spell.  Szor chuckled.
    "Relax.  The skeletons are destroyed and we still have the scepter.  No
harm, no foul," Szor said calmly.
    "But I didn't get to smash anyt'ing," Brutus complained.
    "Fire, fire, fire....." his sword chanted.
    "Would you please shut that thing up?  It's giving me a migraine,"
Shyverlyn said as she rubbed her temples.  The others looked at each other
all wide eyed.  They knew perfectly well what one of Shyverlyn's migraines
led to....Lady Chaos.  Brutus immediately dosed his sword much to the sword's
complaining.
     "No. No, not the darkness.  You bastarddddd," the sword's voice trailed
off.
     "So what  do we do know?  We can't check over the skeletons for treasure
not that they are incinerated.  I don't want to leave without looking around
for some gold,"  Quickumas said.
     "And I need some new magic for my collection," Szor said.
     "Maybe you shouldn't have blasted the skeletons.  They might have had
magical armor or weapons on them,"  Quickamus said justifying his berating of
the elf earlier.
     "Bah.  They were lowly undead.  Who would give them magic?" Szor scoffed.
     "They were the forces of a high priest after all," Shyverlyn said
unamused.
     "I just wanna find some one to smash!"  Brutus roared.
     As the adventurers continued to argue among themselves they didn’t
notice the covers of a few nearby stone coffins open up.
     "I just wanna fight something," Brutus continued to complain.  Suddenly
he went all pale.  His skin dried out and his hair turned white.  His lips
curled and his cheeks sank inward.
     "Uhhhh" Brutus moaned before weakly falling over.
     "What the Hell?!?" Quickamus exclaimed.
     "Wooooooo...." said the ghost that appeared from behind the fallen
warrior.  From behind the ghost approached a pair of mummies, a wraith, a
nasty looking vampire and something that shimmered in the faint light of the
room.
    "It's a virtual smorgasbord of undead in here," Szor said excitedly
wondering what properties the crown upon the wraith's head held.
     "Infidels.....leave this place....or die," the wraith hissed.
sinisterly.
     "Yeah right," Quickamus said and the others laughed.  Brutus even
managed a half hearted chuckle from the floor where he laid.  Suddenly his
sword flamed on.
     "You heard the man, full offensive stance NOW!!!" Quickamus roared.
The adventurers readied themselves.  Szor threw a handful of ioun stones
above his head while Shyverlyn and Quickamus readied their weapons.  The
thief donned his ring of invisibility and disappeared.
      The undead seemed happy that the adventurers stayed to fight.
     "Well, I guess we know who we are going to have for lunch," the vampire
said and licked his lips.
     "Undead are always so disgusting," she said as she stepped forward and
swung her mace at the ghost that hovered over her fallen friend.  As the mace
flew through the ghost it lit up with a bright light that mirrored the
weapon.  It let out one pitiful wail before imploding with a whoosh of air
that filled the room with the smell of old parchment.
    "One less chain rattler in the world," she said triumphantly.  
    The other undead charged the adventurers with a roar.  One mummy charged
Szor and the other marched toward Shyverlyn.  The wraith suddenly moved off
to the left of them and disappeared behind some columns.  The first mummy
swatted at Shyverlyn but she quickly jumped out of the way.  She hit the
rotting undead in the arm with promptly started on fire.
     Seeing this Szor took the opportunity to ready a new spell.  His mummy
smacked him in the head with one of its dusty arms.  His stoneskin spell took
the brunt of the damage.  One of his ioun stones suddenly grew bright before
turning to dull gray and fell to the floor.
    "Try to infect me will you?  Take this!" Szor said and pointed at the
Mummy point blank range.  Nearly a dozen flaming bolts rushed from his hand
like a machine gun and pummeled the mummy.  The creature was forced back
violently with every bolt that hit him.  When the assault was over the undead
laid on the ground with a huge smoldering hold through its mid section.  It
did not move.
     Quickamus had moved around the fighting and was heading for the vampire
that seemed the obvious leader of the bunch.  He had gotten half way there
when the wraith soared out of nowhere and was upon him.
     "Stupid mortal.....we can see through....your pathetic attempts at....
cloaking....yourself," the wraith hissed.  It took a swipe at the thief who
expertly dodged out of the way.
     "Exactly what I expected.  Now that we are alone I can do what I
intended to do," the thief gloated.
     "And what is that......brightsoul?" the wraith hissed.
     "This," Quickamus smiled mischievously and winked at the wraith.  He
pulled out a large sphere of crystal and held it out toward the undead.  The
wraith seemed confused at first but began to move on the halfling once again.
     "Illuminate!" the thief commanded.  The sphere began to glow brighter
and brighter.  Within moments the sphere was so bright that it was hard to
look at.  The wraith screeched in agony before dissolving into nothingness.
     "Scum bag undead," Quickamus muttered.  He put the sphere away and was
promptly attacked by the shimmering air.  It settled in front of him and
began to solidify into a featureless humanoid form.  It was smelly and
rotting and had no facial features nor could Quickamus tell if it was male or
female as it had no corresponding parts.
     "Bummer," he thought to himself, "Well if you are corporeal now, I might
as well get to work."  With almost supernatural speed the thief used his
short sword of quickness to slash the undead repeatedly.  Instantly the
creature was covered in slashes.  Foul yellow puss leaked out of the wounds.
Quickamus was thinking about how easy it was to defeat the monster when
something amazing happened.  It didn't fall over and die.  Instead the wounds
the thief inflicted slowly closed up and healed themselves.  The monster
stepped forward and smashed Quickamus with a huge fist.  The thief went
sprawling across the dirty floor.
    Shyverlyn was doing a good job of hitting the mummy and ducking under its
retaliating blows.  It wasn't long before the undead was lying on the floor
smoldering.  She was gloating to herself when suddenly the air around her
grew cold.  A hand grabbed her shoulder and threw her head aside.  Sharp
fangs bit deep into her neck and she could feel something sucking out her
lifeforce.  There was intense pain but at the same time it felt exhilarating.
In the midst of passion Shyverlyn lost her urge to resist.  Finally the
vampire stopped his onslaught, with his appetite satisfied for the moment.
     "Ah yummy.  Virgin high priestess blood.  And its chilled too,"  the
vampire gloated.  The limp body in his hands suddenly twitched.  He looked
down to she an evil little face stare up at him.  It was oddly appealing to
the vampire.
     "Eh?" it said.
     "A virgin?  I'll show you who is new nancy-boy," Shyverlyn said and
jumped out of the vampires arms.  She waved her mace in front of the vampire.
     "You are now my play thing," the high priestess roared.
     It hissed but fell under the sway of the mace's command.
     "Bow to Lady Chaos!" she ordered.   The vampire tried to resist but
bowed gracefully.
     "Hit yourself!" she commanded.  The vampire punched himself in the face.
     "Again!  Again, again, again!" She fanatically ordered.  The vampire
continued to pummel himself in the face until it was weary and could barely
stand.  A seductively evil grin spread across Lady Chaos' face.
     "Hit yourself in the family jewels," she said laughing.  The vampire
almost seemed to cry as he hit himself full fisted in the crotch.  With a
moan the undead fell to the ground.
     "Bite me without permission will you.  Heh," Lady Chaos said laughing
and wiped the blood from her neck.  "Who's next?"
     The undying undead stood over Quickamus and prepared to hit the stunned
thief again.   Suddenly a bolt of lightning hurled across the room and
slammed into the creature.  It sailed across the room and hit the far wall.
Immediately in dissolved into its shimmering form and escaped down a hole in
the floor.
     Szor ran over and helped Quickamus off the floor.  "Now what?" he asked
the thief.
     "The worse of it is over.  Let's get Brutus up and running and we can go
after the son of a bitch!" Quickamus said.
     "Yoo hoo boys?" said a voice that tried to sound sweet but dripped with
evilness.  Both adventurers stiffened at the sound of the voice.
     "Oh no!" they said together.  They slowly turned to see Shyverlyn
standing there with that especially evil and decadent look on her face.
     "Oh yeah, Lady Chaos is back.  Which one of you boys want to go first?"
she said and slapped both of her upper thighs.
     "Not now oh-lady-of-no-morals.  We have to get Brutus up and going and
get after that shimmering freak," Quickamus said trying to avoid and
mesmerizing gaze of Lady Chaos.
    "Just stuff him in your bag of holding and lets get busy," she said her
voice full of lust.
    "That is a good idea.  Sorry big fella," Quickamus said and hauled the
bag over Brutus' leg.  It quickly sucked the big warrior inside.
     "So are you ready to ride the wild one?" Lady Chaos asked as she rubbed
her hands across her breasts.
     "Oh we are going down the big dark hole, just not yours.  We are going
to find that shimmering bastard and kick his ass.  Then maybe we can talk
about that booty call," Quickamus said looking lustily at Lady Chaos’ roving
hands.  Szor just stood there shaking his head.
     "You two are disgusting," the mage said and followed the others to the
dark hole in the back of the room.  It was some sort of chute to an unknown
dark place.
     "Geronimo!" Quickumas shouted and jumped into the hole.  Szor looked up
at Lady Chaos.
     "Ladies first," he said grimly.  There was no way he wanted her at his
back.
     "Chivalry is so sexy.  You know, I've never had an elf before," she
said.
     "That's a surprise," he thought to himself.  "Just go," Szor groaned.
Lady chaos jumped into the hole with a mischievous giggle followed by the
perturbed elf.

Next: The Dungeon Of Doom - Part Two

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

End Notes:  Welcome to my side project.  When I get burnt out on Realm Quest
I turn to this story, one full of ultra-powerful beings that bend all the
rules.  Lots of high powered spells, magic items and monster.  Lots of
instant kills and funny and silly situations and resolutions.  LOTS OF
CLICHE!  And as you just read, it is definitely a rated "R" story.  Lots of
swearing, sarcasm and sexual innuendoes.  The first story will be 3-4 parts
long.  I plan to add another, deeply twisted character next chapter.  I do
not know when I will release the next part.  Let me know if you even want to
read a "part two".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many of the magic items  spells, and other terms used in these stories are
the property of TSR, Inc or based on TSR Inc products.  However, this does
not mean that TSR in any way endorses or authorizes their use, and any such
items contained within these stories should not be considered representative
of TSR in any way, shape, or form.
                                                                          
The characters and the "Monty's Law" concept found in this writing are
copyright 2001-2006 by Donald Hauser.  Any resemblance to any persons or
characters either real or fictional is purely coincidental.  Copying and
distributing of this writing is allowed for entertainment purposes only. It
is not to be used or sold for profit in any part or as a whole.

written by Donald Hauser - donhauser@tds.net
Posted at: www.realmquest.com
distributed: 07/19/01 (reposted 04/28/06)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~